Get Refusal Advice

 

Question:

A member of our community, who has been separated from her husband for over five years, has not yet received a formal Jewish divorce (Get). Although her ex-partner is willing to grant her a Get, she has refused it and has no plans to remarry.

She is committed to following Halacha in other areas of her life. How can I explain to her the importance of receiving a Get, even if she does not intend to remarry immediately? What should I say if she argues that she will deal with it when she decides to remarry, and how can I clarify that Jewish law considers a couple still married unless a Get is given?

 

Answer:

In addressing this matter, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with sensitivity and understanding, given her past experiences and current beliefs. Here are some important points to consider when talking to her:

1) Giving a Get in this case is both a fundamental Halachic obligation and a Mitzvah. Delaying the receiving of the Get may also constitute a transgression, depending on the circumstances.

When a couple has reached the point where divorce is the only option, it is a Mitzvah to formalize it with a Get. After all, Geirushin (divorce) is counted as one of the 613 Mitzvos in the Torah. That doesn’t mean we should seek out divorce, Heaven forbid, but in a situation where the marriage is no longer viable, the Torah mandates that the process of dissolving the marriage should be specifically through a Get, and when doing so one performs a Mitzvah.

2) Without a Get, her status remains as a married woman (for all practical purposes) according to Jewish law, which affects her personal status and any potential future relationships.

A Get is essential for her to be Halachically free to remarry. If she does not receive a Get, any future marriage may be deemed invalid, leading to significant personal and Halachic complications. This process is not merely a formality but a crucial step to avoid issues such as Mamzerut (illegitimacy) that could arise if she remarries without a proper divorce, c”v.

Additionally, the obligation to receive a Get is not dependent on her current intentions regarding remarriage. The marriage bond persists, and not finalizing the divorce with a Get means that Halachically, they are still considered married.

3) Since she’s still considered married (as mentioned earlier), she must honor all Halachic marriage commitments.

Marriage is a holy bond that remains valid until a Get is given, regardless of the couple’s living situation. This means the marital status continues to affect both parties. According to Halacha, a couple who live separately but have not finalized the divorce with a Get are still considered married. Thus, the wife is required to maintain all Halachic marriage obligations and responsibilities to her husband (and the same applies regarding the husband’s obligations towards his wife).

Furthermore, if they are not living together, they are undermining the foundation of marriage. The Torah’s definition of marriage is that “the husband shall cleave to his wife and become one flesh”. There is no place in Judaism for a marriage where the parties are willingly and consciously not living together as one. Put differently: so long as a Get has not been formalized, they are considered “one flesh” in all respects. This is an extremely unhealthy situation for two people who don’t want to be in a relationship altogether. Therefore, it is crucial to complete the Halachic divorce process to resolve this status fully.

4) You may also point out that accepting the Get is an important step in her personal journey and commitment to Halacha. It can be seen as a way to fully embrace and align with the observance and responsibilities she values.

5) If she is concerned about having to meet her husband for the Get process, inform her that the Beis Din can arrange for the Get to be delivered through a Shliach (a representative), thus avoiding direct contact.

6) Finally, it’s important to offer to help her with any questions or concerns she might have about the process and reassure her that she will have support from the community throughout. It is crucial to approach the conversation with compassion, acknowledging her feelings and experiences, while gently reinforcing the importance of following Halachic guidelines.

Much Hatzlacha.

 

 

#36723