Wedding Dancing
Question:
I have noticed that at a lot of weddings during the dancing they lift the Choson on a table from the men’s side, and then the Kallah on the table from the women’s side and then the Choson and Kallah go towards the Mechitza where they throw napkins towards each other, is this an issue of Tznius?
Answer:
The issue of Tznius sometimes depends on societal norms. (This, obviously, does not apply to the clear specific guidelines of Tznius, as codified in Shulchan Aruch.)
The example you’ve mentioned could be one of those that depends on what is culturally acceptable in that location as modest appropriate behavior.
Where this is done, one must ensure to follow these guidelines:
- It must be done in a Tznius, modest manner.
- One may not cause any breach in the local Minhag. If the onlookers consider this to be immodest, as per local norms, one may not do so.
P.S. The Halacha is that one may not show affection to his wife in public.
The Rema writes (Darchei Moshe, Even Ho’ezer, 21:5; quoting the Nemukei Yosef, Perek Chezkas Habatim):
דרך ארץ שאינו ראוי להתנהג עם אשתו בכיוצא בדברים אלו בפני אחרים.
This is the proper code of conduct: it’s not suitable to act with one’s wife in front of others with behaviors which are of a similar manner [to being examined for lice by her; i.e., an action denoting affection, even if not an explicit hug or kiss].
Similarly, the Halachah in Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (152:11)—based on the Rema in Shulchan Aruch—states:
אין לנהוג אפילו עם אשתו בדברים של חיבה כגון לעין ברישיה וכדומה בפני אחרים, שלא יבוא הרואה לידי הרהור.
One should not act affectionately even with one’s own wife, such as having his head examined [for lice by his wife] or the like, in the presence of others…
Any pose or physical action that has a hint of an affectionate or loving gesture (even if not an explicit hug etc.) is not to be done. Therfore, if this looks like a matter of affection in public it is forbidden. Now, in some circles there is a Minhag that the Chosson and Kallah Davka go hand in hand as they leave the Chupah or when entering the hall. Our Minhag is not to do so and we show no affection at all in public, even on the wedding night.
In addition, the Minhag of many Frum Yidden, including Lubavitcher Chassidim (based on what the Rebbe told Chassanim in the 1940’s) is to keep the laws of Harchakos in public even when the women is Tehora (not passing things, etc.). Any pose or action expressed publicly (even if not affectionate) should be one that can be done regardless of the woman’s status, Nida or Tehora. Poskim (Darkei Teshuvah Yoreh Deah 195:9) mention about this Minhag:
בכהאי גוונא אין לך יפה מן הצניעות כמובן
About this type of conduct [keeping Dinay Harchaka in public even when Tehorah] there is nothing more beautiful than modesty, as is understood.
Throwing napkins to each other is certainly the very opposite of this custom.
It is noteworthy that since it is forbidden to throw napkins to each other when the Kallah is a Niddah, this “custom” could cause shame to the Kallah, since the guests will be able to determine if she’s a Niddah or not.
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