Can I go to my granddaughter’s Bas Mitzvah if I’m in Aveilus?



I am in the shloshim for the loss of my mother a”h. My granddaughter is having a bas mitzvah which will include music, dancing, and photography. It seems that I am expected to attend in order to be in the family pictures and sit in a separate room for the duration of the party. When I said that I’m not going, I was told that for the sake of shalom I should ask for a “heter“. Is there a heter to attend this bas mitzvah party?



Yes, as the Bubby you may go to the Bas Mitzvah, but you may not eat the meal there. You may taste/eat a little, or/and eat the meal in another room.

You should not pay attention to the music. And certainly, not to join in any dancing.

You should also help by serving food etc. to some of the guests.

Someone should share a few words of Torah and/or inspiration with the assembled.



אע”פ שי״א שחגיגת בת מצוה אינה כסעודת מצוה, מ”מ צער הוא לזקנים כשאין משתתפים. ועוד, שי״א שאי״ז חגיגת הרשות, וכש״כ כשמדברים דברי תורה. ולא גרע – ועדיפא – ממסיבת יום הולדת, ובפרט שיש בה דברי תורה ויראת שמים.

וע״פ המענה כתי״ק כ״ק אד״ש מט’ כסלו ה’תש”כ: “באם יחלק משקה ומזונות וכיו”ב למתוועדים שי’ – הלכה כדברי המקיל”.