Recently Married, Struggling with Some Aspects of Niddah

 

Question:

I’m newly married and finding Taharas HaMishpacha very difficult. My cycle is short, and it feels like there’s only a few days that I’m fully tahor, and the restrictions feel painful and overwhelming.

I also struggle with how to express closeness during niddah. I was told not to say “I love you” but to use different words instead, yet my husband doesn’t always connect to that, and it often leaves me feeling very emotional. In fact, I sometimes find myself crying in the first nights of the niddah period.

I want to fulfill the mitzvos properly, but I’m struggling with the emotional pain. How can I approach this together with my husband in a way that’s both halachically correct and emotionally manageable?

 

Answer:

Thank you for reaching out and for being so open about your struggle. What you describe is something many couples quietly face in the early months (and sometimes years) of marriage, and it takes courage to articulate it honestly.

First, Halachically:

It’s important to know that the restrictions of Taharas Hamishpacha are very specific, and not everything falls under them. While physical closeness and certain expressions of intimacy are limited during Niddah, genuine expressions of care, support, and partnership are not only permitted but encouraged. What Chazal were concerned about is language or behavior that can lead to physical intimacy. Saying “I love you” [see more below] is therefore not acceptable.

A Rav who knows you and your husband personally (and/or your Chosson/Kallah teacher) can help you clarify what is and isn’t an actual Halachic restriction.

Second, emotionally:

The struggle you feel is very real, and it does not mean you are failing in your Avodas Hashem. The Mitzvah of Taharas Hamishpacha exists to bring holiness and connection, not ongoing distress. Feeling sadness – even crying – when separation begins is a normal and healthy emotional response. The purpose of this separation is to cultivate a sense of longing, which ultimately strengthens the relationship. The Gemara explains that the distance prevents a person from becoming too accustomed to closeness, as absence make the heart grow fonder.

Building a strong relationship requires a deep emotional connection based on mutual understanding, empathy, and a willingness to listen and give. While expressions of love can uplift and comfort, they are only one part of the bond – they should not overshadow the underlying emotional foundation. When couples rely too heavily on expressions of love, they risk neglecting the deeper connection. In times of conflict, expressions of love may provide temporary comfort, but they do not address the root issues; instead, they can mask problems, allowing them to resurface later.

During periods of separation, it’s essential to prioritize verbal communication and emotional connection. This means avoiding expressions of love that could lead to physical contact and instead focusing on meaningful conversations that nurture the relationship. By strengthening your emotional bond in these ways – through open and honest communication, empathy, and mutual understanding – you are cultivating a resilient and fulfilling partnership.

Over time, many couples learn to channel longing into a deeper appreciation for times of closeness and into other forms of intimacy: deep conversations, small acts of giving, and being emotionally present for one another, all of which keep the relationship warm even when physical closeness isn’t possible. The fact that it feels difficult is actually a healthy sign; couples who don’t experience any struggle may have underlying issues in their relationship.

Practically:

It can help to have an open, non-judgmental conversation with your husband about what makes you feel loved during Niddah. He may not naturally know (yet), and giving him guidance can make a big difference. Also, find small activities of connection that are allowed during Niddah (for parameters, see here). This will help create continuity of closeness without overstepping Halacha.

During the first year of marriage (referred to as Shana Rishonah), husbands have a special obligation to prioritize their wife’s happiness and spend quality time with her. Consider encouraging your husband to reach out to a rabbi or mashpia during this Shana Rishonah to understand the specifics of this beautiful mitzvah of making you happy and building a strong foundation for your marriage.

It’s also very important to develop two complementary styles of relationship: one for the permitted times and one for Niddah times. Both are essential, and each must be consciously cultivated.

Lastly, don’t minimize how hard this feels. Halacha recognizes human struggle, and at the same time it provides a framework meant to uplift life, not crush it. Allow yourself compassion for the pain you feel while also remembering that with time, patience, and communication, the cycle can become something that strengthens rather than weakens your bond.

Wishing you abundant blessings and lasting success in your Shalom Bayis, for a Binyan Adei Ad.

 

 

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