Torah approach to dealing with anger in the context of Chinuch

 

Question:

As a parent and teacher, I sometimes get upset by my children or students behavior. I’m wondering what the Torah approach is to dealing with that anger in the context of Chinuch.

There are many ways to correct a child or teach better behavior that doesn’t require showing anger.

In a situation where I’m frustrated, is it good to show the child my frustration, or should I teach what’s necessary in a calm manner? Is this something that can go either way, depending on what I’m in the mood of doing? Is the emotion a personal conflict for me, and I should have other outlets to express it in while correcting the child in a calmer, matter of fact way? Or is part of being Mechanech my child/ student acting upset or frustrated so they don’t repeat that behavior?

Thank you!

 

Answer:

Chinuch in general should be done calmly in a loving way, through making calculated decisions on how to react on what your child has or hasn’t done. Reacting positively will leave your child better off in the long term.

Reacting instinctively with anger and frustration can sometimes scare off the child in the moment but won’t teach him lessons that otherwise would last him a lifetime.

This is not specific to Chinuch. In general, the Torah’s view is that there is almost never a satisfying reasons for one to blow their cool. The Rambam writes (Hilchos Daios 1:4, 2:3) that even though one should be somewhere in the middle when it comes to most character traits, when it comes to anger and haughtiness one most stay away from them to the extreme.

However, on the other hand, the Rambam also writes (Hilchos Daios 2:3), that there may be times that one must show emotion externally (while keeping cool on the inside), to emphasize the severity of the child’s action. (And before doing so one should think it through to be sure that this is the correct course of action at this time.) Furthermore, the Rebbe explains that when it comes to students who cannot be fooled and will pick up that the external anger isn’t genuine and is just a facade, one might at times have to actually ‘be angry’ and now just ‘show anger’.

I wish you much success navigating the correct path in this great Mitzva. It is said in the name of the Rebbe Rashab (Hayom Yom 22 Teves) that just like it is a Mitzva to lay Tefillin daily, so to one must dedicate a half hour each day to think of the Chinuch of ones children.

 

וראה לקו״ש חל״ט ע׳ 99 הע׳ 55. חכ״ו ע׳ 57 הע׳ 64. וראה בארוכה קובץ מגדל דוד חו׳ מא.

 

 

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