A sensitive marital question

 

Question:

Dear Rav,

My wife and I are both modern orthodox. We have been married nearly 10 years and have 2 young children. We both abstained from premarital sex, but since our marriage sex has been a continued source of stress and has led to constant tension in our marriage. The main issue is that I have a higher interest in sex than my wife. This leads us to have sex less often than I would like leaving me feeling frustrated and sometimes angry and both of us feeling guilty. This has been exacerbated by a recent crisis in the family and the prolonged grief has made her interest in sex even less. (She sees a therapist for grief, but we have not sought professional help with our sex issue.) We have discussed these issues together and have tried some solutions like scheduling sex, but it continues to be an issue. It’s not that we never have sex or that sex is unpleasant or painful, but that it’s less often than I would like. We can sometimes have a “dry spell” lasting weeks.

In the past, I have found that masturbation lessens my reliance on her and can ease the tension when she is not interested. We even discussed this and she is ok with my masturbation when she is not interested to release the tension and lessen the pressure on her. I have in the past consumed pornography as well as an outlet but she does not approve of this and I prefer not to use it either.

I am searching for a solution to our marital problem. I know that Halacha frowns on masturbation, but I am looking for a heter for it for shalom bayit.

Thank you.

 

Answer:

Thank you for reaching out about such an important matter.

Before we get to your question regarding masturbating, you mention that you have “not sought professional help with the sex issue”. This, in my opinion, should be your next step. You should bring this matter to a Frum sex therapist, a professional who can hear, understand and identify the issue, and sort things out on a practical level together with the Torah guidelines and perspective.

In regards to your alternative options:

I’m sure you are aware that the laws of Torah concerning marital subjects and Tznius are made to enhance the marriage, and not G-d forbid the opposite.

I believe that you are mistaken in your notion to suggest that masturbating and pornography will help relieve the tensions built from the issue you have been experiencing. Because the simple fact that the Torah prohibits these actions testifies that they are destructive for the marriage and would not be a healthy plan to go about solving the issue.

Either way, the answer to your question is that both are absolutely forbidden under all circumstances.

I would to like to add another point.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe has written many times in regards to the laws of Taharas Hamishpacha, that forbidden closeness can lead to a lack of closeness when it is permitted. This is because the actual period of Halachic separation is the key to a healthy relationship.

I do not know you and your wife, or your levels of observance, but, in line with the above, I cannot help but suggest that you and your wife should find something more in the laws of Taharas Hamishpacha to take on in order to help fix the current situation, maybe by being more careful in the laws of Harchakos – distancing when it is Halachically required, or something else as you see fit.

I hope you will find the above helpful, and to repeat, I do believe this should be brought up to a Frum sex therapist right away.

I wish you much success and blessings in your Shalom Bayis, and please reply to this message if you find any follow-up clarifications necessary.

 

 

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