Activities while Nidda

 

Question:

Hi. I’ve been married Bh almost 11 years.

I’m wondering if you could clarify for me some guidelines as to activities that aren’t allowed during nidda. My understanding was that it was specifically referring to romantic outings such as a private boat ride or a walk in a private/secluded kind of setting and that common sense was more of a measuring stick as to whether an activity was ok or not. (One thing could be considered romantic for one couple while for another it might not be based on their personality).

My husband seems to take a stricter approach and doesn’t want to do anything during Nidda time including playing a board game or sitting on separate couches and watching a (kosher) video or take a walk together around the block.

Books have been vague on the subject.

Would you possibly be able to clarify for me (us) a general rule/guideline to use as a measuring stick for activities?

 

Answer:

Both of you are right.

There are clear guidelines of hachalos which Chazal have forbidden regardless of whether they’re considered romantic in your eyes. It does not depend on individual circumstances, feeling or general culture – these are fixed in stone halachic rules. Common sense is not a barometer in these matters.

There are also extra stringencies which some people would adopt, based on their individual circumstances.

Then there are certain behaviors which are not described in halacha and have not been formally declared forbidden but can potentially cause halachically problematic results for some people based on time, place, style, personality and other individualized factors. These include behaviors which either “feel wrong”, or could induce certain thoughts not appropriate at this time, or even potentially lead to intimacy.

I strongly suggest that both of of you review the formal list of proscribed harachakos with your respective chosson and kallah teachers, or other such teachers, to get an understanding of that which is clearly forbidden. Then you can both have a discussion with each other about your own individualized situation.

Regarding the specific examples mentioned:

Private boat ride – forbidden. Likewise, any drive for a trip and not for a specific purpose is forbidden.

Walking in a secluded area/setting – appropriate to avoid.

Playing a board game – according to many poskim, it is forbidden.

Sitting on separate couches – permitted. Ensure that it’s done in a way that doesn’t leads to closeness and romance.

Watching a kosher video together – permissible. Must ensure that both of you are not sitting close to each other so that you don’t end up touching each other. Likewise, if it causes romance, should not be done.

Taking a walk around the block – the strict Halacha is that during the time of harchokos one is permitted to take a walk with their wife, although one who is stringent in the matter is considered holy. However, it is important to point out that this only applies for taking a walk, and not going into a car or anything similar just for pleasure (sight-seeing etc.).

It is permitted to sit in a hotel lobby just to talk.

Shopping is also permitted.

 

 

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